Who Wants To Be A Diginaire: Episode 2

Disclaimer: I STILL don't own Digimon and Millionaire. Parts of this story were derived from a few actual episodes. I also don't own South Park. And I DO NOT own Regis & Kathee Lee. And I don't own any of the characters or TV shows mentioned in this.

Author's Note: If you find the following offensive, please don't send me hate mail because this was meant for humor and sounded very funny to me and my friends. Also, Regis Philbin swears a lot in here. And, I hope you're all ready for some reading with a LOT of comedy. So, please don't blame me if you get a heart attack from laughing so hard. 'Cause, I warned ya. Also, I am NOT a Tai-Hater. He's one of my favorite characters.

Regis:(singing) Wasted away in Margaritaville, searching for my lost shaker of salt. . . . . . . . . .'Cause I want it that way.

Regis: From Odaiba Japan. We have flown them to New York City. The Digidestined kids, the old and the new, who called our phone number, dreaming of instant riches. Will one of them seize this day? Have the courage and the knowledge to change the course of their lives in one short evening? We'll see. Now join us, for, Who Wants To Be A Diginaire? (Who Wants To Millionaire theme plays)

Regis: Thank you! Thank you very much. I'm Regis Philbin and welcome to the BIGGEST, most dramatic game show in television-

Matt: Actually, Greed's the biggest most, dramatic game show in television history. And shouldn't you have said this during episode 1?

Regis: Damn Network Censors! Screw them. (host voice) We have eleven contestants, all the Digidestined, the old and the new. Who are they? Let's meet them. Tai Kamiya! Matt Ishida! Sora Takenouchi! Izzy Izumi! Mimi Tachikawa! Joe Kido! T.K. Takaishi! Kari Kamiya! Daisuke Motomiya! Miyako Inoue! And Iori Hida! They're all from Odaiba. Or, has lived in Odaiba for a brief period of time. Hey wait! Why is Tai back? And Kari? Oh who cares if KARI comes here everyday. I have-um, never mind

Regis: Just shut up and let ME take care of the talking! (host voice) Now, it's time for the Fastest Finger Question: Wait, I have a better idea instead of these (beep) Fastest Finger Questions! Whoever I hit on the head with this pen will go into the Hot Seat. (throws pen)

Regis: Damn! Okay fine. (host voice) Tai, you're 14, and that's all we need to know about you right now. So if you're ready. . .let's play! Okay, for $100: Who plays Taichi on the anime series, Digimon?

Regis: There's two. YTV and Fox Kids. None of which I work for. And you're right! For $200: Which of the following is a soccer player? Pineapple, Pele, Peel, Pistachio.

Regis: 007, that was his ID! Now, for $500: Adeste Fideles is what for O Come All Ye Faithful? Spanish, French, Latin, German.

Regis: Right again! $1000: Which of the following was not an alien encountered in Star Trek TNG, DS9, and Voyager? Klingon, Cardassian, Borg, Markquis.

Regis: Yes! You've won a thousand! Now, $2000. On the television series, Star Trek, what is Mr. Spock's "motto?" May you live forever, Live long and prosper, Blah blah blah, Prodigious!

Tai: I know prodigious is Izzy's motto. I know it's not Blah, blah, blah. I'll say, Live long and prosper. Final answer.

Sora: Let's just see what the lie detector says. (straps Regis to lie detector) Do you have the hots for Kari?

Regis: Um, I never had the lie detector test! I've never seen Kari! I was never on this show! I WAS NEVER BORN!

Regis: I'm ruined! (host voice) Now, Tai's going for $4000. Which South Park character gets killed in every episode? Cartman, Kenny, Wendy, Stan.

Sora: You bastards! You bastards! You killed him! You killed my BOYFRIEND! Oh my G*d! Oh my G*d! Don't worry, I'll visit your grave everyday!!!

Matt: Oh yeah. But I still have a shot at being leader. By winning the Million and going on the "Leader" Board!

Regis: We're back! With Tai. . .who apparently has told all of North America that I have the hots for his sister. Tai, what will you do with the million if you win it?

Regis: Okay. For $16 000: Who played Molly Brown in the movie Titanic? Frances Fisher, Gloria Stuart, Kathy Bates, Suzy Amis.

Regis:(looking at his watch) The faster Tai loses, the faster I can get Kari into the Hot Seat again! (host voice) Final answer?

Regis:(looks at the computer) Right again for yaddah, yaddah, yaddah! For $32 000, here's you question. How many Academy Awards was Titanic NOMINATED for? 11, 12, 13, 14.

Tai: HAH! In you face. . . .Regis! I knew you'd fall for one of my dirty tricks! That one's never failed me before. It's what got me the ticket that won the lottery! Thanks anyway, dipwad!

Regis: Screw you! Oh, well, at least buy something nice for Kari. The Heart of the Ocean maybe? Say it's from me! BUY SOMETHING FOR KARI!!!!! Buy her the Heart of the Ocean and say it's from me!!!

Matt: Audience! What do you think? Does Regis have the hots for Kari? On your keypads, vote A for yes, and B for no. (six seconds later) And we have the results! 95% say yes and 5% say no. Wait! Regis, you weren't allowed to vote.

T.K.: Maaaattt! Mommmmmmm!!!! Daaaaaaaaaddddddd!!!! A big scary stranger that looks like Myotismon talked to me!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

Regis: Come with me. Okay, Kari, for $1 MILLION, which of the following does not fly? Jumbo Jet, Helicopter, Blimp, Submarine.

Tai: I knew it! He DOES have the hots for Kari! I'd better tell Daisuke and T.K.. They're gonna be sooo pissed!

Regis: We do?! Why couldn't you buy Pentech, or Pilot? They're all good. Oh fine! I'll use the (beep) BIC! (throws pen) Okaaaayyyy. It hit Matt! He's going in the Hot Seat next!

Matt: Nothing. Hey Regis! Did you hear about my latest Christmas album? It's a Matty Christmas. And the hit song, Tai's Guts Roasting on an Open Fire. Also, O, Taichi's Dead, and Deck the Halls With Tai's Guts.

Regis: You DO hate Tai. I can just imagine the VERY sick lyrics to them. Well, I'm afraid 110% of the world LOVES Tai. It's gonna be hard to top that. (host voice) Okay, now, let's play! For $100: Who is the character dressed up in red and white and comes around during the holiday season?

Matt: Couldn't you just say? Who's the f(beep)-ing bastard who dresses in red and white and does everybody during Christmas?! Man! I'd hate being you if I had to read all that crap!

Regis: Finally! A commercial! So. . .tired! I need a Margarita! (singing) Wasted away in Margaritaville, searching for my lost shaker of salt. . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Regis: We're back! With Matt! In the Hot Seat! (muttering) How long is this damn episode? Why can't we change the show to the X-Files? I like the Christmas one. (host voice) Okay, Matt, you've won $125 000, and now you're going for $250 000. Now, here's your question. What is the designation number of the Borg character Jeri Ryan played on S.T. Voyager? Six of Eight, Seven of Nine, Two of Four, R2-D2.

Regis: Somebody get a doctor over to her place. I think she's dead. Oh well, who gives a damn. Just get the medic and she'll be fine. Matt, for your $500 000. What was Titanic First Officer Murdoch's middle name? McDonald, McMaster, McKlein, Mackenzie.

Regis:(sighs) Don't do the Tom Coletta thing okay? And you're right! Damn! These questions are WAY TOO easy! Now, for a MILLION! What insect shorted out an early Supercomputer and inspired the term, computer bug? Moth, Fly, Ant, Japanese Beetle.

Regis: Somewhere far away from us! Washington, I think. Or did they move it? Err. Come on, what's your answer. And it's required by law that you can't walk away.

Regis: Read the Millionaire Rules and Regulations. It's under Questions: 3rd paragraph. Nobody may walk away at their Million dollar question.

Matt: How about 3 years ago? The question about Jethro Tull? It was the million dollar question and he walked away.

Regis: Sure that was 3 years ago. And PLEASE, don't remind me about Lorraine! If you don't know who she is, that's fine. It's even better if you don't know anything about her.

Regis: Riiiiiiiiiiiiight. (looks at watch) Come on! It's been 1 and a half hours! The show's STILL NOT finished!

Joe: OH MY G*D!!! OH MY G*D!!! Mom! I'm on TV, and I won the MILLION!!!! AHHHHH!!!! Heart attack! Heart attack! Must. . .be. . .allright. . .to. . .WIN. . .THE MILLION!! (Joe falls on the floor)

Regis: Well, that sound means that we're out of time. But Izzy WON'T be back here tomorrow night. And we'll have the remaining contestants join us. And they are: Mimi Tachikawa! Sora Takenouchi! Miyako Inoue! And Iori Hida! To qualify to become a contestant, pick up a touch tone phone and call our number! FROM NEW YORK, EVERYBODY! GOOD NIGHT!!

-And no. Kari really DID NOT marry Regis. This was all a story. Regis is NOT married to Kari. He's married to his wife. Got that? Good.

Jun Motomiya: (Daisuke's sister who's crazy about Matt) If you compare Leo to Matt, Leo's just too good looking. Wait for me! I WANT LEO'S AUTOGRAPH!!!!

Leonardo Di Caprio: Oh no! It's that girl, Jun, the one that Matt warned me about. Gotta go! HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Matt: Heeeeyyyyy, that means she won't bug me anymore! And because of you, my fans won't chase me anymore! They'll chase you!

Matt: Oh God. Have you been taking those weird Mentalebolexate Pills that TK found on that island where they filmed Survivor?

Kari: Bring Sora too. I'm sure they're gonna do the "Jack! I'm flying!" thing, and I want to get it on tape and send it to "America's Most Romantic Home Videos."

Mrs. Kamiya: Awww, isn't that cute? Tai, you have GOT to marry Sora! You two make the CUTEST couple ever! And I know what you did last summer!!!

Disclaimer & Author's Note: I don't own Digimon or Who Wants To Be A Millionaire. Digimon is owned by Toei Animation, Saban Entertainment, FoxKids, and Bandai. Millionaire is owned by ABC, Celador, Valleycrest Productions, and Buena Vista. I am not affiliated with any of these companies. I also don't own Regis Philbin or any Celebrities mentioned in here. Oh yes, and the new Digidestined's names are Davis (Daisuke), Yolei (Miyako), and Cody (Iori). So don't e-mail me askin' "Who the hell are Davis, Yolei, and Cody," because I'll just reject it.

Tai: (doing a poor imitation of Regis) Last time on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire. We're having Digidestined week here at Millionaire with all the Digidestined as contestants, not that they need any, because I'm the bigger star, IN THE WORLD!!!! Returning to the Hot Seat, here he is, originally from the. . .somewhere, Mr. Beavis Stiltsin.

Tai: Is that what you're thinking? Take your time, no problem, I don't have to do another show, 'till tomorrow MORNING!!!

Tai: Sure, you wanna use a lifeline already? Okay, Doris, we'll help you out. (50:50 music plays) No help at all, Little Man! Mr. Friday Nightly Show over here, LOOK AT HIM! This man is a (bleep)!

Regis: Tai! Get into the Contestant Circle! It's time for the Fastest Finger question. In the anime cartoon series, Sailor Moon, put the following Negaverse Generals in order according to when they died starting with the most recent. Umm, what are their names again?

Regis: Okay, put the following characters from the movie, Titanic, according to when they died starting from the earliest: Jack Dawson, Cal Hockley, First Officer Murdoch, Spicer Lovejoy.

Tai: I slept through the whole movie. Now. . .Scary Movie! I loved it. (imitates the "Scream Killer") Wasssssssssuuuuuuuuupppppp?

Regis: And time's up everybody, now here's the correct order. First Officer Murdoch, then Spicer Lovejoy, then Jack Dawson, and finally Cal Hockley, who committed suicide in 1929 as Rose mentioned, so the information is correct. And to see who got it right in the fastest time. . .Izzy Izumi!

Regis: Let's lookup your profile first. So you're Izzy Izumi, 13 years old, and goes to Odaiba Junior High right?

Regis: Okay. Now, here we go, let's play Who Wants To Be A Millionaire! For $100: If Christmas Day is on falls on a Saturday, then which day would New Year's Day fall on? Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Day of Reckoning.

Regis: And you're absolutely right! Now for $200: What colour do people say you shouldn't wear after Labor Day? Blue, white, green, macaroni and cheese.

Regis: Yes, the answer's white! Going for $300: What is considered the staple diet in Japan? You should know this, Izzy. You're from Japan. Meat, fish, vegetables, Expired Valentine's Day chocolates.

Leonardo Di Caprio: Never mind about that! Matt! Does Jun always do this?! Davis, does your sister always do this?!

Matt: Whenever she finds a more attractive guy than you, she'll leave you alone and then she'll go for the other guy. Hey, by the way, thanks for getting rid of her for me!

Leonardo Di Caprio: Don't mention it, you (bleep)-ing (bleep). I could call Billy Zane, but, after our fight, I don't think he'll ever return my calls. He was pretty pissed.

Matt: You've never seen Jun whenever she's really in love with someone. She beats them half to death without even realizing.

Izzy: As I was saying, everyone back in Odaiba's gonna kill me if I get this wrong. I'm going with B: fish, final answer.

Regis: Right! Now for $500: Who sang the song: "Good Golly Miss Molly?" Elvis Presley, Little Richard, Perry Como, Bob Marley.

Regis: Never mind. Izzy, you were right, but I'm too tired to disqualify Tai, so he can still play. Wait a minute, he already played! Two times!!!!! Oh well, I'm too tired.

Regis: Izzy, why don't you just take this check for 1 million, and go buy Sora that Diamond necklace she's always wanted.

Regis: Tai is in love with Captain Janeway, Matt is a Mrs. Doubtfire wannabe, Joe's been fighting with Cody over Yolei, Davis is a communist, Yolei is married to Sidney from "Scream," and. . .did I miss anybody? Oh yes, Sora, well, she's a communist too, along with Davis, and Mimi? Well. . .I don't wanna tell you what SHE'S into!

Regis: Never mind. Okay, another Fastest Finger question: Put the following words in alphabetical order: Prodigious, Inconceivable, Mandatory, Antidisestablishmentarianism.

Sora: You'd know if you spent more time reading the dictionary instead of kicking that STUPID soccer ball into Izzy's face! You jerk!

Gomamon: You said it! I think you need more coffee, and so do I! Joe, do you have some money? I-err, Regis, needs more coffee.

Regis: Hmm, oh yeah, okay, times up. And here's the order, Anti-whatever, Inconceivable, Mandatory, and finally, Prodigious. And let's see who got it right? It's a tie! Between Mimi and Yolei!

Mimi: AHHH!!! How dare you! Take this! (punches Yolei, and they start fighting the same way Lady Devimon and Angewomon did)

Mimi: Just you wait, Yolei. . .I'll get my revenge somehow. (trips over stairs or something) AHHHHH!!!!!! Aw! (bleep) it!

Yolei: OH MY GOD! I'm. . .sitting in front of Regis Philbin! I'm the president of the Regis Philbin fanclub! I'm so honored to meet you!

Yolei: Well put it in a glass case, Mr. Philbin. I can't believe, Regis Philbin, is REALLY talking to ME! I don't know what to say!

Davis: Well, she always faints when she sees pictures of Regis, sees Regis on TV, hears Regis talking, or when the name "Regis" is mentioned.

Regis: Okay, Yolei. For $100: What does the acronym, AOL, stand for? America Over Lines, America Online, Americans Over Lines, Angemon Ogremon Lilymon.

Regis: How the hell should I know either? The damn computer won't tell me the freakin' answer till you say "Final Answer."

Regis: Yes! Piedmon's the one who's gay! $300: The word "Kaizer" means king in what language? German, Russian, Swedish, Swiss.

Regis: You've now won $300. Now you're going for $500, Yolei. In 1973, how many minutes did astronaut Pete Conrad stay in the Skylab bathroom? 10 minutes, 30 minutes, 90 minutes, 40 234 minutes.

Yolei: Um. . .I think he stayed in there for 90 minutes, but I'm not sure. Oh what the heck? I'll just bet the load, and say 90 minutes.

Regis: She's right! For $1000, here we go. The Oui and Ja, from Quija Board, means yes in what two languages? French & German, Italian & German, French & Italian, Russian & Chinese.

Regis: (muttering) Lousy director, I wish somebody in this studio is a sacrificial freakis, so I could get 'em to sacrifice that stupid director.

Regis: Screw you! Okay, Yolei, you're now going for $2000: The Canadian schooner, Bluenose, appears on which Canadian coin? Penny, Nickel, Dime, Quarter.

Yolei: I wish I had some Canadian coins with me right now. But anyways, I can answer that question without looking at them. The answer, is the dime. Final answer.

Regis: You're right!! Now for $4000: In what year was the first "canned" food made? Also, they were in champagne bottles, not in cans. 1806, 1807, 1809, 1812.

Regis: She says 1807, and she's right!!! Yolei, you've won $4000, and now you're going for $8000. (Lights down) In what year were the first refrigerators sold for home use? 1909, 1911, 1912, 1913.

Regis: We're back with Yolei! She's now going for $8000: (Lights down) In the 1964 version of "The Addams Family" cartoon series, what is the name of the Addams' neighbor? The Hoffenmeyers, the Normanmeyers, the Oppenheimers, the Kristenmeyers.

Regis: Okay audience, press a freakin' button on those kepady thingies and vote. By the way, Izzy! What's a keypad?

Regis: Never mind. Okay, the votes are in. . .and 48% say the Hoffenmeyers, and 52% say the Normanmeyers. Wow! What a dumb audience!

Regis: Guards! Get the director out of here! Yolei, take this check for 1 Million, and let me have another contestant on this show, okay?

Regis: Oh yeah. Okay: Put the following printer manufacturers in alphabetical order. Canon, Agfa, Lexmark, Epson.

Regis: Okay, times up! The correct order is: Agfa, Canon, Epson, and finally Lexmark. And to see who got it right in the fastest time-Davis!

Regis: Okay, for $100: Which of these Simpson's characters is a saxophone player? Bart, Lisa, Nelson, Mr. Burns.

Regis: Okay Davis, you're right! $200: What ship was dubbed 'The Ship of Dreams?' Normandy, Queen Mary, Titanic, Queen Elizabeth II.

Regis: Shut up Tai! Now, here's your question, Davis. (nothing shows up on Regis' screen) Aw (bleep)-in' computer!!! DIE YOU STUPID MILLIONAIRE COMPUTER!! DIE! DIE!!!!!! (torches the Millionaire computer with a Blow Torch) Screw whoever built it!!! Wait, Izzy built it!! Come back here Izzy!!!!!!!!!

Regis: Ugh! Why did I choose this stupid job anyway?! I should've stayed on "Cooking With Regis and Kathie Lee."

Regis: Oh yeah. For $32 000, here we go. (Lights down) In the Harry Potter book series, what is the name of the villain? Dammit, this was supposed to be a $16 000 question! Anyway, Vlademort, Voldemort, Veldemort, Valdezamort.

Regis: Okay audience, on those keypad thingies beside you, press one of the buttons! And the results are in. . .A, B, C, and D all got 25%?! What a stupid audience!!!

Lady Myotismon: Quit saying "umm!" How 'bout we go to Transylvania and visit Dracula? I wanna make him jealous!

Myotismon: The same thing we do every night, you (bleep)-ing (bleep) (bleep) (bleep)-ing wannabe! Try to take over the world!

Lady Myotismon: Ugh! Look at all this Martha Stewart stuff! Now look! At Morticia Addams! I'm going to get her to paint our house!

Sora: How did YOU know?! Oh well. (picks up cell phone) Hello, ABC Millionaire Studios, this is Sora speaking. . .

Regis: Never mind! Let me just credit you with this million-dollar check! Go take Kari out for dinner! I mean-take Yolei out for dinner!

Regis: Are you crazy?! Once this show's over, me, Kari, Tai, Sora, and Mr. & Mrs. K., are heading down to the dock.

Regis: I meant the Jubilee, or was it the Destiny? Oh well, never mind. Just go! Now for another Fastest Finger Question: Put these names in alphabetical order: Ronald, Romeo, Randy, Regis: Hey! Who put my name in there?!

Regis: Okay, times up: And here's the order: Randy, Regis, Romeo, and finally Ronald. And let's see who got it right in the fastest time. . .Mimi Tachikawa! Oh no! She's the. . .stupid. . .girl who can't even tie her shoelaces! Damn! (host voice) Okay! Mimi will be back to play, right after this!

Regis: What now?! You want my final answer?! (writes "final answer" on a piece of paper) There! Now make like an egg and beat it! Okay, Mimi, do I have to explain your profile?

Regis: Okay! Let's play! For $100: What is the name of the character made famous by Rowan Atkinson on British TV? Mr. Bean, Mr. Cabbage, Mr. Cauliflower, Mr. Artichoke.

Regis: You're absolutely right! $200: Who had a hit single in 1990 with "U Can't Touch This"? MC Screwdriver, MC Hammer, MC Chainsaw, MC Chisel.

Mimi: Umm. . .I saw the answer in an episode in the British version. Now if I can only remember! Oh what the heck?! I'll just go with MC Hammer, final answer.

Regis: Yep, it was MC Hammer! The British version was right! Of course, they're always right. For $300, here we go. Which ship features the title of a Gilbert and Sullivan operetta? HMS Pantaloon, HMS Pinafore, HMS Petticoat, HMS Titanic.

Mimi: ARGHH!!! What's up with weird questions like this?! The only answer that sounds appropriate is HMS Pinafore. So I'm going with it. Final answer.

Regis: Hell no! Mimi, you're the rollover contestant. We'll finish this tomorrow. Roll the credits! Our phone lines are open, so call our number to qualify as a contestant. Our phone lines open from 2 till 5. Only one call per person, per contest day. Remember to DIAL CAREFULLY. I'm outta here! From New York everybody, good night!!!

Regis: Let's go! Matt! Mimi! Davis! Cody! Yolei! TJ! Come on! You and your parents are all invited on the cruise! Now let's get to the dock!!!

Regis: This. . .is. . .Regis. . .Philbin! You. . .have left me, and some other passengers. . .behind. I want you to come back!