Episode 2 of Who Wants To Be A Millionaire: Digimon Edition

Disclaimer: I STILL don't own Digimon and Millionaire. Parts of this story were derived from a few actual episodes. I also don't own South Park. And I DO NOT own Regis & Kathee Lee. And I don't own any of the characters or TV shows mentioned in this.

Author's Note: If you find the following offensive, please don't send me hate mail because this was meant for humor and sounded very funny to me and my friends. Also, Regis Philbin swears a lot in here. And, I hope you're all ready for some reading with a LOT of comedy. So, please don't blame me if you get a heart attack from laughing so hard. 'Cause, I warned ya. Also, I am NOT a Tai-Hater. He's one of my favorite characters.

Producer: Okay, 60 seconds.

Regis:(singing) Wasted away in Margaritaville, searching for my lost shaker of salt. . . . . . . . . .'Cause I want it that way.

Director: Lights, camera, REGIS!!!

Regis: What?

Director: Where in hell are those kids?! They left the Plaza an hour ago! And it's right next door!

Regis: How should I know? I'm only the host.

Director: Okay, here they are! Hey kids! Get on stage!

Producer: 10 seconds.

Director: Okay, now go to black. Action!

Regis: From Odaiba Japan. We have flown them to New York City. The Digidestined kids, the old and the new, who called our phone number, dreaming of instant riches. Will one of them seize this day? Have the courage and the knowledge to change the course of their lives in one short evening? We'll see. Now join us, for, Who Wants To Be A Diginaire? (Who Wants To Millionaire theme plays)
(Regis walks into studio)

Regis: Thank you! Thank you very much. I'm Regis Philbin and welcome to the BIGGEST, most dramatic game show in television-

Matt: Actually, Greed's the biggest most, dramatic game show in television history. And shouldn't you have said this during episode 1?

Regis: Ugh! I hate these damn kids!

Network Censor: (whispers) Quit swearing! This show's rated G!

Regis: Damn Network Censors! Screw them. (host voice) We have eleven contestants, all the Digidestined, the old and the new. Who are they? Let's meet them. Tai Kamiya! Matt Ishida! Sora Takenouchi! Izzy Izumi! Mimi Tachikawa! Joe Kido! T.K. Takaishi! Kari Kamiya! Daisuke Motomiya! Miyako Inoue! And Iori Hida! They're all from Odaiba. Or, has lived in Odaiba for a brief period of time. Hey wait! Why is Tai back? And Kari? Oh who cares if KARI comes here everyday. I have-um, never mind

Tai: I knew it! You DO have the hots for Kari! And when can we start talking?

Regis: Just shut up and let ME take care of the talking! (host voice) Now, it's time for the Fastest Finger Question: Wait, I have a better idea instead of these (beep) Fastest Finger Questions! Whoever I hit on the head with this pen will go into the Hot Seat. (throws pen)

Tai: Oww! I mean, wait, YESSS!!!! I'm goin' in the Hot Seat! In your face Matt!

Matt: Screw you!

Regis: Oh no! The. . .kid! (host voice) Allright! Tai's gonna be goin for a Million. Right after this!

Director: No, it's not a commercial break yet. Not for another three minutes.

Regis: Damn! Okay fine. (host voice) Tai, you're 14, and that's all we need to know about you right now. So if you're ready. . .let's play! Okay, for $100: Who plays Taichi on the anime series, Digimon?

Tai: Whaddaya mean, Who plays Taichi? I AM Taichi!

Regis: No, the anime version of you. Joshua Seth, Michael Reisz-

Tai: There's an anime version of me?! Gimme a TV! Regis, what network?!

Regis: Just pay attention to the question.

Tai: Umm, Joshua Seth! Final answer. Now will you PLEASE tell me, what network?

Regis: There's two. YTV and Fox Kids. None of which I work for. And you're right! For $200: Which of the following is a soccer player? Pineapple, Pele, Peel, Pistachio.

Tai: B, Pele.

Regis: Right again for $200! Now, for $300: What ID was Secret Agent James Bond given? 004, 007, XXX, Q.

Tai: 007. My final answer.

Regis: 007, that was his ID! Now, for $500: Adeste Fideles is what for O Come All Ye Faithful? Spanish, French, Latin, German.

Tai: It's a good thing I love Christmas. It's Latin, C.

Regis: Is that your-

Tai: Final answer.

Regis: Right again! $1000: Which of the following was not an alien encountered in Star Trek TNG, DS9, and Voyager? Klingon, Cardassian, Borg, Markquis.

Tai: D, Markquis. Final answer.

Regis: Yes! You've won a thousand! Now, $2000. On the television series, Star Trek, what is Mr. Spock's "motto?" May you live forever, Live long and prosper, Blah blah blah, Prodigious!

Tai: I know prodigious is Izzy's motto. I know it's not Blah, blah, blah. I'll say, Live long and prosper. Final answer.

Regis: And. . . .you're right!

Tai: Regis, come on, just admit it. You have the hots for Kari!

Regis: Err, uh, no I don't!

Tai: Yeah you do. You're blushing!

Regis: That's just makeup.

Tai: Come on, I won't tell anyone. . . .except the New York Herald and The Washington Post.

Regis: Not now, I'll tell you after the show.

Matt: Oh! He's blushing like mad! Look at his cheeks!

Regis: Oh my G*d! I don't have the hots for Kari!
Sora: Let's just see what the lie detector says. (straps Regis to lie detector) Do you have the hots for Kari?

Regis: No.
(Lie detector buzzes)

Tai: That means. . .

Sora: You DO have the hots for Kari!

Regis: Um, I never had the lie detector test! I've never seen Kari! I was never on this show! I WAS NEVER BORN!

Matt: Too bad we have proof.

Regis: Right! The camera! Take this! (smashes movie camera)

Daisuke: Isn't this show live?

Miyako: Right!

Iori: Then. . . .All of North America saw the test!

Regis: I'm ruined! (host voice) Now, Tai's going for $4000. Which South Park character gets killed in every episode? Cartman, Kenny, Wendy, Stan.

Tai: Kenny. Final answer.

Regis: You're right. Now here's a BONUS question. Which Digidestined will get killed in THIS episode?

Kari: Lemme guess. My brother!

Regis: You're right. Must. . .kill. . .Tai! (lunges at Tai)

Mimi: Oh my G*d! He killed Taichi!

Sora: You bastards! You bastards! You killed him! You killed my BOYFRIEND! Oh my G*d! Oh my G*d! Don't worry, I'll visit your grave everyday!!!

Regis: And the news is out! Sora loves Tai!
(Regis looks around finding Tai fans mad, and holding guns pointed at him)

Matt: Now I can be leader!

Izzy: Now he won't beat me up. But we stopped being Digidestineds three years ago.

Matt: Oh yeah. But I still have a shot at being leader. By winning the Million and going on the "Leader" Board!

Izzy: Uh-huh.

Regis: Can I have another pen? Thank you. The next person to get hit on the head'll-

Tai: Wait! I'm not finished yet! I came back to life and I can still play! I'm not finished yet!

Regis: Crap! Okay, for $8000: Who was not at the Yalta Conference? Stalin, Mussolini, Churchill, Roosevelt.

Tai: Oooh, this is hard.

Regis: You still have three lifelines.

Tai: I'll poll the audience.

Regis: Okay audience, just press a freakin' button on your keypads. Okay. . . .77% says it's Mussolini.

Tai: I'll go with Mussolini. Final answer.

Regis: Screw you! You're right!

Network Censor: Please don't swear.

Regis: I don't give a (beep) if this show's rated G! I'll kill you! (lunges at Network Censor)

Director: Heh, heh, heh. Umm, okay, we'll be back after these messages people.

Director: Somebody kill me. We are gonna get TERRIBLE reviews for this.

Regis: You said it! Damn Network Censors! They know half the people in the world are SOBs!

Izzy: And now I have proof that you dissed everybody!

Regis: Come back here! I was practicing a line, for my guest appearance on the Drew Carey show!!

Izzy: Yeah right! (kicks Regis in the leg)

Regis: You. . .little. . .(beep)-ing freak!

Izzy: I've found a fool-proof way to get all the answers without getting zapped.

Matt: What'll you do?

Izzy: I'll tell you when I think of it!

Producer: Okay, 15 seconds!

Director: Okay, cut the commercials, and go to black.

Regis: We're back! With Tai. . .who apparently has told all of North America that I have the hots for his sister. Tai, what will you do with the million if you win it?

Tai: First, I'd buy and sell your sorry a* *, and then I'll buy Sora her dream house.


Matt:(muttering) Stupid idiot. Stealing my girlfriend.

Regis: Okay. For $16 000: Who played Molly Brown in the movie Titanic? Frances Fisher, Gloria Stuart, Kathy Bates, Suzy Amis.

Tai: Regis, I'd like to use the 50:50.

Regis: Okay, computer, please take two of the wrong answers and make Izzy's chair zap him.

Izzy: Huh? (zap!) Oww! I forgot that the chairs were metal.

Regis: You're left with Frances Fisher, and Kathy Bates.

Tai: Kathy Bates.

Regis:(looking at his watch) The faster Tai loses, the faster I can get Kari into the Hot Seat again! (host voice) Final answer?

Tai: Final answer

Regis:(looks at the computer) Right again for yaddah, yaddah, yaddah! For $32 000, here's you question. How many Academy Awards was Titanic NOMINATED for? 11, 12, 13, 14.
Tai: I know this one for sure! A, 11.

Regis:(looks at computer) You're sure, final answer.


Regis: Somebody call security!

Tai: They checked into my contract and it turns out I HAVE rights!

Regis: Goddammit! Final answer? HALLELUJAH!! Thank the Good Guy up there!

Matt: Who? God?

Regis: No, Wally. He writes all of these questions. Tai, you're wrong again. Now get out of here!

Tai:(bawling his eyes out) I could've gotten $32! Why did I choose 11? why?!

Regis: Hey, Tai. Here, take this check for $32. Just, buy something nice for Kari

Tai: HAH! In you face. . . .Regis! I knew you'd fall for one of my dirty tricks! That one's never failed me before. It's what got me the ticket that won the lottery! Thanks anyway, dipwad!

Regis: Screw you! Oh, well, at least buy something nice for Kari. The Heart of the Ocean maybe? Say it's from me! BUY SOMETHING FOR KARI!!!!! Buy her the Heart of the Ocean and say it's from me!!!

Matt: Audience! What do you think? Does Regis have the hots for Kari? On your keypads, vote A for yes, and B for no. (six seconds later) And we have the results! 95% say yes and 5% say no. Wait! Regis, you weren't allowed to vote.

Regis: Damn! (host voice) Time for another contestant. Let's throw the pen! T.K.!

T.K.: Allright! Can I get my million dollars now?

Regis: No, you need to answer 15 questions first.

T.K.: Hey! Wait! Who are you? My mom told me never to talk to strangers.

Regis: But I'm not a stranger, I'm Regis Philbin.

T.K.: Maaaattt! Mommmmmmm!!!! Daaaaaaaaaddddddd!!!! A big scary stranger that looks like Myotismon talked to me!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

Regis: Security! Bring him back to the Hot Seat!

T.K.: Ahhhhh!!!! The Bakemon!! MMOMMMMMMMM!!!!! Save me!!!

Matt: Oh, great! Now he's afraid of REGIS! And he thinks the guards are those f(beep)-ing Bakemon!

Regis: Fine, will the VERY lovely Kari please step up?
Tai: No, it's way past her bedtime. Kari! Come with me now!

Kari: No Tai, I won't.

Regis: Come with me. Okay, Kari, for $1 MILLION, which of the following does not fly? Jumbo Jet, Helicopter, Blimp, Submarine.
Kari: D, submarine.

Regis: Kari, you're a millionaire again!

Tai: I knew it! He DOES have the hots for Kari! I'd better tell Daisuke and T.K.. They're gonna be sooo pissed!

Regis: So, Kari, You know, for season 65 of Regis and Kathee Lee, how would you like to be the co-host?

Kari: What about Kathee Lee Gifford?

Regis: Who cares about that whore?! Ooops, sorry. Kathee, I didn't mean that!

Tai: Come on! Do another game!

Regis: Okay, somebody give me another pen. This time, I don't want BIC.

Director: We only use BIC.

Regis: We do?! Why couldn't you buy Pentech, or Pilot? They're all good. Oh fine! I'll use the (beep) BIC! (throws pen) Okaaaayyyy. It hit Matt! He's going in the Hot Seat next!

Matt: In your face! Izzy! What kind of a name is that anyway?! Izzy?! or, Koushiro! That's even weirder!

Izzy Fans: What did you say?

Matt: Nothing. Hey Regis! Did you hear about my latest Christmas album? It's a Matty Christmas. And the hit song, Tai's Guts Roasting on an Open Fire. Also, O, Taichi's Dead, and Deck the Halls With Tai's Guts.

Regis: You DO hate Tai. I can just imagine the VERY sick lyrics to them. Well, I'm afraid 110% of the world LOVES Tai. It's gonna be hard to top that. (host voice) Okay, now, let's play! For $100: Who is the character dressed up in red and white and comes around during the holiday season?

Matt: Couldn't you just say? Who's the f(beep)-ing bastard who dresses in red and white and does everybody during Christmas?! Man! I'd hate being you if I had to read all that crap!

Regis: Santa, Mrs. Claus, Pumkinmon, Myotismon.

Matt: A. Santa. Final answer.

Regis: Santa's the one who does-uh, THIS IS VERY SICK TO SAY!

Director: We should've rated this show PG-13, or R.

Regis: $200: Let's see.(looks at computer) Which war was Hitler in?

Matt: The French Revolution! No! The Hundred-Years War! No!! World War 2! Final answer.

Regis: And guess what, you're right!

(about 20 minutes later)

Regis: Finally! A commercial! So. . .tired! I need a Margarita! (singing) Wasted away in Margaritaville, searching for my lost shaker of salt. . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Director: Quick! Somebody get him one before he starts singing that damn song again!
Assistant Director: Okay, now go to black. Action!

Regis: We're back! With Matt! In the Hot Seat! (muttering) How long is this damn episode? Why can't we change the show to the X-Files? I like the Christmas one. (host voice) Okay, Matt, you've won $125 000, and now you're going for $250 000. Now, here's your question. What is the designation number of the Borg character Jeri Ryan played on S.T. Voyager? Six of Eight, Seven of Nine, Two of Four, R2-D2.

Matt: I watched a lot of Voyager. I actually have the hots for Captain Janeway.

Regis: Spread the word! Rock musician Matt Ishida has the hots for Captain Janeway!
(audience members all pull out their cell phones and begin talking)

Matt: Oh! Why did I say it HERE?! But anyway, it's Seven of Nine.

Regis: Is that your final answer?

Matt: Dude! Quit askin' that question!

Regis: You're right! Now excuse me for a second. AT&T, please get me Kate Mulgrew on the line.
(phone rings)

Kate Mulgrew: Hello.

Regis: It's me! Regis! Okay, have you heard of Matt Ishida?

Kate Mulgrew: Yeah, I have.

Regis: Well, he has the hots for you.

Kate Mulgrew: OMG!!! That KID has the-

Regis: Somebody get a doctor over to her place. I think she's dead. Oh well, who gives a damn. Just get the medic and she'll be fine. Matt, for your $500 000. What was Titanic First Officer Murdoch's middle name? McDonald, McMaster, McKlein, Mackenzie.

Matt: Now, I think I'll phone a friend.

Regis: Who do you wanna call?

Matt: The CEO of White Star-Cunard.

Regis: Ooops! I forgot. I used up your phone a friend lifeline with that call to Kate Mulgrew.

Matt: I meant to say Kate Winslet.

Regis: Audience! Spread the word again!!!
(Fastest Finger music plays while everybody is talking on their cell phones)

Tai: Anybody know where I can cash this in?

Regis: This is getting weird. Why is TAI still here?

Matt: Since my phone a friend was used up, let me use the 50:50.

Regis: Computer, take two of the wrong answers and make Izzy's chair AND computer zap him!

Izzy:(zap!!) OWWWWW!!! What did you do that for?! I wasn't even hacking!

Regis: I just wanted to see you get zapped.

Izzy: And this keep happening all week right?
Regis: Oh yeah. Now Matt, you're left with McKlein and McMaster. And you're out of lifelines!

Matt: McMaster, final answer.

Regis:(sighs) Don't do the Tom Coletta thing okay? And you're right! Damn! These questions are WAY TOO easy! Now, for a MILLION! What insect shorted out an early Supercomputer and inspired the term, computer bug? Moth, Fly, Ant, Japanese Beetle.

Matt: The disadvantage to this is I sucked at computers. I don't even know where Microsoft HQ is.

Regis: Somewhere far away from us! Washington, I think. Or did they move it? Err. Come on, what's your answer. And it's required by law that you can't walk away.

Matt: Why?

Regis: Read the Millionaire Rules and Regulations. It's under Questions: 3rd paragraph. Nobody may walk away at their Million dollar question.

Matt: How about 3 years ago? The question about Jethro Tull? It was the million dollar question and he walked away.

Regis: Sure that was 3 years ago. And PLEASE, don't remind me about Lorraine! If you don't know who she is, that's fine. It's even better if you don't know anything about her.

Matt: Lorraine, you mean that lady who didn't know what a door opens?

Regis: Riiiiiiiiiiiiight. (looks at watch) Come on! It's been 1 and a half hours! The show's STILL NOT finished!

Matt: Can I have another lifeline?

Regis: No. All I can say is I'd hate to be YOU right now.

Matt: Fine. Moth, A, final answer.

Regis: Matt, go take Kate Winslet out for a romantic dinner 'cause you just WON A MILLION DOLLARS!!!!!

Matt: In your face Tai!

Tai: I'll kill you! (lunges at Matt)

Regis: Guards! Take Tai away!

Tai: Wait! I have rights!

Regis: Not anymore you don't.


Regis: Check your contract. I altered it a bit.

Tai: What did you legalize?

Regis: People beating the crap out of you.

Tai: Uh. . . . .oh. AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Regis: Now that that's done.


T.K.: No! She's MY girlfriend!

Regis: Who IS your girlfriend?

T.K. & Daisuke: KARI!

Regis: Too bad. She's mine! Security, take T.K. and Daisuke away.

T.K. & Daisuke: Wait! We have rights too! WE HAVE RIGHTS!!!

Regis: That's what Tai said. Now somebody give me a pen. (throws pen) It hit Joe!

Joe: OH MY G*D!!! OH MY G*D!!! Mom! I'm on TV, and I won the MILLION!!!! AHHHHH!!!! Heart attack! Heart attack! Must. . .be. . .allright. . .to. . .WIN. . .THE MILLION!! (Joe falls on the floor)

Regis: Uh, somebody get the medic here and get Joe to the hospital. Okay, time for another contestant.

Joe: But! I have to. . .go. . .for the. . .MILLION! (gasps) Heart attack! Heart attack!

Regis: Okay. (throws pen) This time it hit Izzy!

Izzy: Finally!
(horn blasts)

Regis: Well, that sound means that we're out of time. But Izzy WON'T be back here tomorrow night. And we'll have the remaining contestants join us. And they are: Mimi Tachikawa! Sora Takenouchi! Miyako Inoue! And Iori Hida! To qualify to become a contestant, pick up a touch tone phone and call our number! FROM NEW YORK, EVERYBODY! GOOD NIGHT!!
(Millionaire theme plays continuously over and over again)

Regis: Well that was a waste of my time! My God! I AM OUT OF HERE! Kari, wanna go out for dinner at the Ritz?

Kari: Sure!

Regis: I'll pay. I love you, Kari.

Kari: What?

Regis: Nothing. (thinking) Just wait 'till we get to the church.

(3 hours later in a church)
Reverend Ishida: Do you Hikari Kamiya take Regis Philbin to be your lawful wedded husband?

Kari: I do.

Reverend Ishida: Do you Regis, take Hikari Kamiya to be your lawful wedded wife?

Regis: I TOLD YOU, I DO!!!!

Reverend Ishida: By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you, husband and wife!
(wedding music plays)

Matt: Well what do you know? Kari's married to Regis.

Tai: Mom's not going to like this.

Mrs. Kamiya: Kari! I'm so proud of you! You married Regis!!

Tai: Then again, maybe not.

-Well this was my second attempt at a Digimon-Millionaire fic. Still pretty screwed up eh?

-And no. Kari really DID NOT marry Regis. This was all a story. Regis is NOT married to Kari. He's married to his wife. Got that? Good.

Daisuke: Well, there goes our girlfriend.

T.K.: Yeah.

Regis: Come on Kari, let's go visit the Statue of Liberty.

Kari: Okay. Is Tai coming?

Regis: No, I think he's in prison right now.

Kari: No, he's right behind us.

Tai: I've had enough of this. I'm going home!

Matt: You said it.

Mimi: Sora!! Look!! LEONARDO DI CAPRIO's signing out autographs in the parking lot! Let's go!!!!!!!

Sora: He's even dreamier than Tai! Oh! I loved Titanic!!

Jun Motomiya: (Daisuke's sister who's crazy about Matt) If you compare Leo to Matt, Leo's just too good looking. Wait for me! I WANT LEO'S AUTOGRAPH!!!!

Leonardo Di Caprio: Oh no! It's that girl, Jun, the one that Matt warned me about. Gotta go! HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Leonardo Di Caprio: She's worse than all of my fans put together!

Jun Motomiya: OHH!! He is SOOOOO handsome! Screw Matt, I WANT MY LEO!!!!

Leonardo Di Caprio: Oh my God!! Matt! What do I do?!?!?!

Matt: I dunno.

Leonardo Di Caprio: Ever since she's seen me in person, she hasn't been interested in you!

Matt: Heeeeyyyyy, that means she won't bug me anymore! And because of you, my fans won't chase me anymore! They'll chase you!

Leonardo Di Caprio: Oh no. I'm not gonna go and save your ass from-

Matt: Oh yes you are! You're comin' to Odaiba with me!

Leonardo Di Caprio: AHHH!! Don't yell it! Now they know!

Jun: He's going to Odaiba!!!!!!! COME BACK LEO!!! COME BACK!!!

Leonardo Di Caprio: OH MY GOD!!!!!!!! (runs off screaming)


Matt: Boy I'm evil! Now she won't be going after me.

Tai: What was that?

Matt: Uh, Jun chasing Leonardo Di Caprio.

Tai: Oh OK. I love you Matt.

Matt: What the hell?


Matt: Oh God. Have you been taking those weird Mentalebolexate Pills that TK found on that island where they filmed Survivor?

Tai: Maybe I did. . .now kiss me!!!!

Matt: I'm outta here!!!!!!!!

(Ritz Restaurant)
Regis: Kari, where do you wanna go for our little, you know.

Kari: How about the Caribbean? Let's take a cruise.

Regis: Okay, I'll book tickets for the next cruise ship to the Caribbean.

Kari: Can my parents and Tai come? I wanna let my mom and dad to have fun too.

Regis: Why do you wanna bring Tai?

Kari: Bring Sora too. I'm sure they're gonna do the "Jack! I'm flying!" thing, and I want to get it on tape and send it to "America's Most Romantic Home Videos."

Regis: Okay. Anything for you, Carrra Mia.

Kari: Mon Cher. . . .

Regis: Kari! That's French! Say some more. . .

Mrs. Kamiya: Awww, isn't that cute? Tai, you have GOT to marry Sora! You two make the CUTEST couple ever! And I know what you did last summer!!!

Tai: Wha--? You knew that. . .?

Director: No! This is TOO extreme! Let's just show The X-Files.


By Maniacal Matt

Disclaimer & Author's Note: I don't own Digimon or Who Wants To Be A Millionaire. Digimon is owned by Toei Animation, Saban Entertainment, FoxKids, and Bandai. Millionaire is owned by ABC, Celador, Valleycrest Productions, and Buena Vista. I am not affiliated with any of these companies. I also don't own Regis Philbin or any Celebrities mentioned in here. Oh yes, and the new Digidestined's names are Davis (Daisuke), Yolei (Miyako), and Cody (Iori). So don't e-mail me askin' "Who the hell are Davis, Yolei, and Cody," because I'll just reject it.
Director: Oh crap! The show starts in, ooh (looks at watch) five minutes! Where's Regis?!

Tai: He called me on my cell phone saying he had something called "Influenza," whatever that is.

Izzy: Influenza is the flu.

Tai: Yeah, whatever. If he's not here, can I do the intro?!

Regis:(running and coughing) Wait! I'm here! I can host the show!

Director: Okay, but the show's started already so Tai's gonna do the intro.

Tai: (doing a poor imitation of Regis) Last time on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire. We're having Digidestined week here at Millionaire with all the Digidestined as contestants, not that they need any, because I'm the bigger star, IN THE WORLD!!!! Returning to the Hot Seat, here he is, originally from the. . .somewhere, Mr. Beavis Stiltsin.

Regis: I'm Regis Philbin!

Tai: Okay, "Regis," if you're really Regis, let's see you answer questions that are all about YOU!!!

(light flashes)

Regis: Kathee Lee Gifford was NOWHERE before I met her.

Tai: Is that what you're thinking? Take your time, no problem, I don't have to do another show, 'till tomorrow MORNING!!!

Regis: I'm thinking right now, I'd like to have a 50:50!

Tai: Sure, you wanna use a lifeline already? Okay, Doris, we'll help you out. (50:50 music plays) No help at all, Little Man! Mr. Friday Nightly Show over here, LOOK AT HIM! This man is a (bleep)!

(audience laughs)

Tai: Tell Joy I'll be late. Join us from New York for night 32 284 of Who Wants To See Regis Get Married!

Regis: What the (bleep)?! You videotaped it?!

Tai: (normal voice) Of course, where's the fun in exposing you, when there's no video or photos to prove it?

Regis: Umm. . .because what you're about to show to the audience isn't real?

Tai: It's real. Boys, roll the tape!

Reverend Ishida: Do you, Hikari Kamiya, take Regis Francis Xavier Philbin, to be your lawful wedded husband?

Kari: I do.

Reverend: Do you, Regis Philbin, take Hikari Kamiya to be your lawful wedded wife?

Regis: I told you already! I do!!

Reverend Ishida: By the power vested in me-

Tai: 'Nuff seen. Okay, now audience, do you have enough proof?

(the audience all pull out their keypads, and vote "A" for "yes." Fastest Finger music plays while they vote)

Tai: And the results are-

Regis: Tai! Get into the Contestant Circle! It's time for the Fastest Finger question. In the anime cartoon series, Sailor Moon, put the following Negaverse Generals in order according to when they died starting with the most recent. Umm, what are their names again?

Director: The computer doesn't know either! I'll ask somebody.

(5 minutes later)
Regis: So, what are their names?

Director: Nobody knows. Do another question.

Regis: Okay, put the following characters from the movie, Titanic, according to when they died starting from the earliest: Jack Dawson, Cal Hockley, First Officer Murdoch, Spicer Lovejoy.

Tai: Aw crap! I didn't watch the damn movie!!!

Sora: What are you talking about? Mimi, Kari and I took you there 2 days ago. Remember?

Tai: I slept through the whole movie. Now. . .Scary Movie! I loved it. (imitates the "Scream Killer") Wasssssssssuuuuuuuuupppppp?

Regis: Shut up!

Tai: See? I never watched the movie.

Sora: Okay. . .never mind.

Regis: And time's up everybody, now here's the correct order. First Officer Murdoch, then Spicer Lovejoy, then Jack Dawson, and finally Cal Hockley, who committed suicide in 1929 as Rose mentioned, so the information is correct. And to see who got it right in the fastest time. . .Izzy Izumi!

Izzy: Yes! I'm going into the Hot Seat! Regis, what's my $100 question?

Regis: Let's lookup your profile first. So you're Izzy Izumi, 13 years old, and goes to Odaiba Junior High right?

Izzy: Yep.

Regis: Okay. Now, here we go, let's play Who Wants To Be A Millionaire! For $100: If Christmas Day is on falls on a Saturday, then which day would New Year's Day fall on? Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Day of Reckoning.

Izzy: Regis, that's A: Sunday., final answer.

Regis: And you're absolutely right! Now for $200: What colour do people say you shouldn't wear after Labor Day? Blue, white, green, macaroni and cheese.

Izzy: Um. . .I'll go with. . .B: white.

Regis: Yes, the answer's white! Going for $300: What is considered the staple diet in Japan? You should know this, Izzy. You're from Japan. Meat, fish, vegetables, Expired Valentine's Day chocolates.

Izzy: Um. . .everyone back in Odaiba's gonna-

(Leonardo Di Caprio suddenly runs into the studio and pulls Regis out of his chair by the arm)

Leonardo Di Caprio: Regis! You gotta help me!

Regis: Um. . .what do I get in return?

Leonardo Di Caprio: Never mind about that! Matt! Does Jun always do this?! Davis, does your sister always do this?!

Matt & Davis: Yep.

Leonardo Di Caprio: Then how do you get rid of her?

Matt: Whenever she finds a more attractive guy than you, she'll leave you alone and then she'll go for the other guy. Hey, by the way, thanks for getting rid of her for me!

Leonardo Di Caprio: Don't mention it, you (bleep)-ing (bleep). I could call Billy Zane, but, after our fight, I don't think he'll ever return my calls. He was pretty pissed.

Matt: What did you do? Or say?

Leonardo Di Caprio: I can't remember.

Regis: Well, tell us when you DO remember, okay? Now, awwwaaaayyyyy you go!

Leonardo Di Caprio: But, but-

Regis: I'll let you and Jun get acquainted with each other.

Matt: Uh. . .yeah.

Leonardo Di Caprio: Damn you Regis! Damn you Matt!

Jun: Oh Leo, you sound soooooooo cute whenever you swear! It's so adorable!

Leonardo Di Caprio: Matt, Davis, Regis, help!

Regis: Oh well, I guess he'll be fine.

Matt: You've never seen Jun whenever she's really in love with someone. She beats them half to death without even realizing.

Regis: Oh. Okay, Izzy, you were in the middle of your $300 question. So, what's your answer?

Izzy: As I was saying, everyone back in Odaiba's gonna kill me if I get this wrong. I'm going with B: fish, final answer.

Regis: Right! Now for $500: Who sang the song: "Good Golly Miss Molly?" Elvis Presley, Little Richard, Perry Como, Bob Marley.

Izzy: Um. . .my Encarta CD said Little Richard sang it, so, Little Richard, final answer.

Regis: And you're right! For $1000-

(Leonardo Di Caprio runs into the studio again)

Leonardo Di Caprio: Regis! You gotta help me!!!!!!!

Regis: Well, what do you want? A 50:50?

Leonardo Di Caprio: Ha, ha, very funny. Now get her off of me! (yes, Jun is on top of Leo)

Regis: I'll see what I can do. Let me give Izzy his $1000 question first.

Izzy: Regis. . ., is the answer, Tom Coletta?

Regis: Wha? How did you know?!

Izzy: Tai just hacked into the Millionaire computer and told me.

Regis: Since when did Tai know how to hack?! Or use a computer for that matter?! Or CLICK A MOUSE?!?!?!

Tai: Since. . .ten minutes ago.

Regis: Never mind. Izzy, you were right, but I'm too tired to disqualify Tai, so he can still play. Wait a minute, he already played! Two times!!!!! Oh well, I'm too tired.

Izzy: What's my $2000 question then?

Regis: Um. . .my computer screen is blank! There's no questions, or any of the answers.

Tai: I didn't do it.

Regis: I bet you did!

Tai: Uh oh, I'm outta here!

Regis: COME BACK HERE!!!!!

Tai: Make me!

Regis: Oh (bleep)!!! Okay, Izzy, I am SO bored! Let's fast-forward this. Okay, you're now going for $46 000.

Izzy: Don't you mean $64 000?

Regis: Whatever. I don't really care! I just want to get Kari in the Hot Seat.

Yolei: How about us?!

Davis, Cody, and TK: Yeah?

Regis: Davis, Cody, fine. TK, you already had your turn? Yesterday! Then you ran away.

TK: Because you look like Myodismon!

Count Izzy-ula: Quit spelling my dad's name wrong!!

TK: Tell that to the author.

Count Izzy-ula: Listen, TJ, or JB, or TB! Don't tell me what to do! Hey author! Learn to spell!!!

Maniacal Matt: Shut up. Now get out of this story!

Count Izzy-ula: I'm going.

Regis: What was that?

TK: How the (bleep) should I know?!

Regis: Never mind. Izzy, here's your $64 000 question: (Lights Down)

Leonardo Di Caprio: Hello, remember me?!

Regis: Oh yeah. . .um, great upcoming movie, Carpathia. I'm sure it's gonna be a smash hit.

Leonardo Di Caprio: Weren't you listening?!

Regis: Why the hell should I?

Leonardo Di Caprio: (groans)

Jun: Come on Leo, why don't you take me out for a Hot Fudge Sundae?

Leonardo Di Caprio: I'd rather face Kathie Lee than buy YOU a Sundae. Ooops! Can you edit that last part out?

Camera Guy: No can do.

Leonardo Di Caprio: Crap!

Regis: Izzy, why don't you just take this check for 1 million, and go buy Sora that Diamond necklace she's always wanted.

Izzy: How did you-

Regis: I know everybody's VERY secretive secrets.

Izzy: For example?

Regis: Tai is in love with Captain Janeway, Matt is a Mrs. Doubtfire wannabe, Joe's been fighting with Cody over Yolei, Davis is a communist, Yolei is married to Sidney from "Scream," and. . .did I miss anybody? Oh yes, Sora, well, she's a communist too, along with Davis, and Mimi? Well. . .I don't wanna tell you what SHE'S into!

Izzy: I see. I see. Who knew Matt-

Regis: (whispers) Shh! D'ya wanna get sued?

Izzy: What do you mean?

Regis: Never mind. Okay, another Fastest Finger question: Put the following words in alphabetical order: Prodigious, Inconceivable, Mandatory, Antidisestablishmentarianism.

Tai: Pro-what? Incon-what? What the (bleep)? Anti-what the (bleep)?! What are all these words?!?!

Sora: You'd know if you spent more time reading the dictionary instead of kicking that STUPID soccer ball into Izzy's face! You jerk!

Tai: (sobbing) Geez Sora, you didn't have to be so rude about it!

Regis: Tai's back here AGAIN?! Oh. . .this is gonna be a long night!

Gomamon: You said it! I think you need more coffee, and so do I! Joe, do you have some money? I-err, Regis, needs more coffee.

Joe: Are you sure it's REGIS who wants it, and not YOU?!?!

Gomamon: Just give me the money dammit!

Joe: Okay. Here you go.

Regis: Hmm, oh yeah, okay, times up. And here's the order, Anti-whatever, Inconceivable, Mandatory, and finally, Prodigious. And let's see who got it right? It's a tie! Between Mimi and Yolei!

Yolei: Never mind! I'm sure Mimi's SINCERE enough to let me go!

Mimi: Who cares about sincerity?! This is my chance to win it all! Out of my way Yolei!

Yolei: No, YOU get out of my way! I WANNA SIT IN THE HOT SEAT!!!! (punches Mimi)

Mimi: AHHH!!! How dare you! Take this! (punches Yolei, and they start fighting the same way Lady Devimon and Angewomon did)

Regis: Oooh, a catfight.

Yolei: I'm going into the Hot Seat!! (pushes Mimi out of the way) There! I got into the Hot Seat!

Mimi: Just you wait, Yolei. . .I'll get my revenge somehow. (trips over stairs or something) AHHHHH!!!!!! Aw! (bleep) it!

Regis: Mimi! Stop swearing!

Mimi: Why should I?! You always swear. How come I can't?

Regis: Because I said so.

Mimi: Freakin' (bleep), can't even (bleep) his (bleep)-ing (bleep)!

Regis: So, Yolei, you're 12 years old.

Yolei: OH MY GOD! I'm. . .sitting in front of Regis Philbin! I'm the president of the Regis Philbin fanclub! I'm so honored to meet you!

Regis: That's nice, I'll give you an autographed pic later.

Yolei: Well put it in a glass case, Mr. Philbin. I can't believe, Regis Philbin, is REALLY talking to ME! I don't know what to say!

Cody: Hey Davis, haven't you noticed that Yolei has a huge crush on Regis?

Davis: Well, she always faints when she sees pictures of Regis, sees Regis on TV, hears Regis talking, or when the name "Regis" is mentioned.

Cody: Oh.

Davis: No wonder she's the president of the Regis Philbin fanclub.

Regis: Okay, Yolei. For $100: What does the acronym, AOL, stand for? America Over Lines, America Online, Americans Over Lines, Angemon Ogremon Lilymon.

Yolei: That's definitely America Online, final answer. Actually, it's my ISP.

Regis: You're right! For $200: Which Dark Master is gay? MetalSeadramon, Puppetmon, Machinedramon, Piedmon.

(audience laughs)

Regis: I'm sorry, but I DON'T WRITE THESE!! Tai writes them!

Izzy: Tai as in. . .Kamiya?

Regis: No. As in Ishida. Got it?

Izzy: There was a Tai Ishida, Matt?

Matt: Yep, he was my cousin, the poor guy died in a car accident.

Regis: Everybody shut up! Go on Yolei.

Yolei: What the (bleep) are all these Digimon?

Regis: How the hell should I know either? The damn computer won't tell me the freakin' answer till you say "Final Answer."

Yolei: Oh. I'll just go with Piedmon. That name sounds sorta' gay.

Regis: Okay. Now, is that your final answer?

Yolei: Yes.

Regis: Yes! Piedmon's the one who's gay! $300: The word "Kaizer" means king in what language? German, Russian, Swedish, Swiss.

Yolei: Kaizer means king in German, A. Final answer.

Regis: She says Kaizer means king in German. . .and she's right!

Yolei: Oh my gosh!

Regis: You've now won $300. Now you're going for $500, Yolei. In 1973, how many minutes did astronaut Pete Conrad stay in the Skylab bathroom? 10 minutes, 30 minutes, 90 minutes, 40 234 minutes.

Yolei: Um. . .I think he stayed in there for 90 minutes, but I'm not sure. Oh what the heck? I'll just bet the load, and say 90 minutes.

Regis: Are you sure? You're very pretty Yolei and-

Yolei: Really?! You mean it?

Regis: I mean it. So, is that your final answer?

Yolei: Yes, Mr. Philbin that's my final answer.

Regis: She's right! For $1000, here we go. The Oui and Ja, from Quija Board, means yes in what two languages? French & German, Italian & German, French & Italian, Russian & Chinese.

Yolei: I've never played the game before, but I'm sure it's French & German, A.

Regis: How come?

Yolei: Because it makes sense. "Oui" means "yes" in French, and "Ja" means "yes" in German.

Regis: So Yolei, is that your final answer?

Yolei: Yes.

Regis: You just won a thousand dollars! We'll be back after this break!

Director: Uhh. . .we decided to make tape this show with no commercials.

Regis: You did WHAT?! Dammit, how stupid can you guys get?!

Director: (sighs) Shut up and do your job, Regis.

Regis: (muttering) Lousy director, I wish somebody in this studio is a sacrificial freakis, so I could get 'em to sacrifice that stupid director.

Director: I heard that!!

Regis: Screw you! Okay, Yolei, you're now going for $2000: The Canadian schooner, Bluenose, appears on which Canadian coin? Penny, Nickel, Dime, Quarter.

Yolei: I wish I had some Canadian coins with me right now. But anyways, I can answer that question without looking at them. The answer, is the dime. Final answer.

Regis: You're right!! Now for $4000: In what year was the first "canned" food made? Also, they were in champagne bottles, not in cans. 1806, 1807, 1809, 1812.

Yolei: Um. . .we learned this in school, but I can't remember.

Regis: Take your time. Gomamon! Where's my coffee?!

Gomamon: Ooops! I accidentally drank it all.

Regis: Dammit! So Yolei, have you decided on your answer yet?

Yolei: Yes. 1807, final answer.

Regis: She says 1807, and she's right!!! Yolei, you've won $4000, and now you're going for $8000. (Lights down) In what year were the first refrigerators sold for home use? 1909, 1911, 1912, 1913.

Yolei: That's D: 1913, final answer.

Regis: Final answer, final answer, THE RIGHT ANSWER!!

Director: Okay, I guess we can do a commercial.

Regis: FINALLY! Hey, don't you LOVE Yolei's voice?

Tai: Why? Do you have the hots for her?

Regis: No, of course not.

Tai: I don't believe you.

Regis: Well, I don't have the hots for Yolei.

Tai: Well, I think you do, let me go get her. Yolei! Regis has something to tell you!

Yolei: He does? Really?!

Regis: Err, no I don't.

Matt: I think we need another lie detector test.

Tai: Hey Matt, didn't one of the guys in your band have the lie detector last?

Matt: I don't know where he is.

Regis: Good, so no stupid lie detector test.

Tai: We can always borrow one.

Regis: Oh yeah? From who?

Tai: Agent Mulder and Scully.

Regis: The ones from the X-Files?

Tai: Yep.

Regis: (whispers to Matt) That kid, Tai, has a mental defect.

Tai: What did you say?!

Regis: I said you were cheating on Sora with Captain Janeway!

Sora: What the (bleep)?!

Tai: How did you-

Captain Janeway: He's been doing what?!

Sora: (slaps Tai)

Tai: Owww, mommy, Sora slapped me!

Mrs. Kamiya: Uhh. . . . .

Director: We're on again!

Regis: We're back with Yolei! She's now going for $8000: (Lights down) In the 1964 version of "The Addams Family" cartoon series, what is the name of the Addams' neighbor? The Hoffenmeyers, the Normanmeyers, the Oppenheimers, the Kristenmeyers.

Yolei: Um. . .I never watched the cartoon series. I wasn't even born yet!

Regis: That's right.

Yolei: I'm going straight to the audience.

Regis: Okay audience, press a freakin' button on those kepady thingies and vote. By the way, Izzy! What's a keypad?

Izzy: Um. . .

Regis: Never mind. Okay, the votes are in. . .and 48% say the Hoffenmeyers, and 52% say the Normanmeyers. Wow! What a dumb audience!

(audience members throw tomatoes at Regis)

Regis: Okkkkaaaayyyy, who let the audience bring tomatoes with them?

Tai: I did.

Regis: Guards! Go and get Tai!

Security Guard: What do we do after that?

Regis: Find a time machine and leave him in the Chernobyl Nuclear Plant during the accident.

Security Guard: Um. . .I don't think Flint the Time Detective's time thingy isn't real.

Regis: I wanted H.G. Wells' time thingy idiot!

Security Guard: Yes sir. Tai, why don't you come here and make it easier for us?

Tai: How 'bout, NO!

Regis: GET HIM! GET THAT (bleep)-IN' (bleep)!!!!

Security Guards: Come back here!!

Regis: How long is this episode again?

Director: (slurring) Lemme jus' tell you one thing: It ain't over till the fat lady sings!!

Regis: What?! That was for the opera!

Director: One more peep out of YOU! And you're firred!

Regis: I'm FIRRED? What the hell does that mean?!

Director: Get out ya. . .(cusses a lot)

Regis: Um. . .you've had too much booze.

Director: I drank Turpentine! That's all you f-(bleep)-ing, son of a (bleep)!!!

Regis: Guards! Get the director out of here! Yolei, take this check for 1 Million, and let me have another contestant on this show, okay?

Director: Damn you!!

Network Censor: Um. . .um. . .p-p-please d-d-don't swear.

Director: SHUT UP!! I get my GOONS TO KILL YOU!!!!!!

Regis: What?! They're MY goons!

Goons: YEAH!!

Director: Lousy good for nothing traitors!

Regis: Yolei, here's the check for a million.

Yolei: Oh thank you Mr. Philbin!!

Regis: (kisses Yolei on the cheek)

(Yolei faints and falls on the floor, Regis just looks shocked)

Regis: What just happened?

Dr. Fujiyama: She's fi-

Tai: Okay! This is getting weird! Since when did Mr. Fujiyama know anything about medicine?!

Izzy: I dunno.

Tai: Okay, Mr. Fujiyama, what do YOU know about medicine?

Dr. (or Mr.) Fujiyama: Ha, ha, not a single thing!

Tai: Then how can you be-

Cody: YOLEI! Are you allright? Yolei! Speak to me!

Yolei: Regis. . .kissed me.

Cody: Okay, never mind.

Matt: Hey Cody, are you sure you don't have a crush or have the hots for Yolei?

Cody: (blushing) Err, uh, no.

Matt: Okay.

Regis: Okay, let's get on with the game! Where were we?

Director #2: Another Fastest Finger question.

Regis: Oh yeah. Okay: Put the following printer manufacturers in alphabetical order. Canon, Agfa, Lexmark, Epson.

Tai: Oooh, I think I might know the order!

Izzy: I know it too.

Sora: Umm. . .I should know. Wait! I do!

Regis: Okay, times up! The correct order is: Agfa, Canon, Epson, and finally Lexmark. And to see who got it right in the fastest time-Davis!

Davis: Yeah! In your face Tai!

Tai: Shut up, Davis!

Regis: Okay, Davis, you're 11 and you go to Odaiba Elementary, right?

Davis: Yeah. . .why?

Regis: I'm just reading what it says on my screen. It tells me to say this, and say that.

Davis: Oh, I get it.

Tai: Sure you do, Davis.

Davis: Shut up.

Regis: Okay, Davis. You've got three lifelines. . .and, do I have to explain the game to you?

Davis: No.

Regis: Okay, for $100: Which of these Simpson's characters is a saxophone player? Bart, Lisa, Nelson, Mr. Burns.

Davis: B: Final answer, LET'S GO!!

Regis: Okay Davis, you're right! $200: What ship was dubbed 'The Ship of Dreams?' Normandy, Queen Mary, Titanic, Queen Elizabeth II.

Davis: Titanic, final answer.

Regis: (imitating old Rose from "Titanic") Titanic was called. . .(normal voice) The Ship of Dreams!!! Yes!!!

Davis: I'll beat your $32 000 score soon enough Tai!

Tai: Shut up.

Regis: I'll make sure he wins. Okay Davis, for $32 000-

Tai: What?!?!

Regis: Shut up Tai! Now, here's your question, Davis. (nothing shows up on Regis' screen) Aw (bleep)-in' computer!!! DIE YOU STUPID MILLIONAIRE COMPUTER!! DIE! DIE!!!!!! (torches the Millionaire computer with a Blow Torch) Screw whoever built it!!! Wait, Izzy built it!! Come back here Izzy!!!!!!!!!

Little Kid In the Audience: Mommy, why is Regis smashing the computer?

Kid's Mom: Umm. . . .

Tai: Regis has gone crazy.

Izzy: I think it's those new $50 bills with the bloated Ben Franklin hands.

Tai: Oh.

Izzy: And now. . .I have to go!

Tai: Okay.

Regis: Now what do we do for questions?!

Director: If you hadn't smashed the computer, somebody could've fixed it!

Regis: Well, it was a piece of crap anyway! It freezes too much!

Director: Somebody could've fixed it!

Regis: Ugh! Why did I choose this stupid job anyway?! I should've stayed on "Cooking With Regis and Kathie Lee."

Davis: Regis? My $32 000 question?

Regis: Oh yeah. For $32 000, here we go. (Lights down) In the Harry Potter book series, what is the name of the villain? Dammit, this was supposed to be a $16 000 question! Anyway, Vlademort, Voldemort, Veldemort, Valdezamort.

Davis: Um. . .I'll dare to ask the audience.

Regis: Okay audience, on those keypad thingies beside you, press one of the buttons! And the results are in. . .A, B, C, and D all got 25%?! What a stupid audience!!!

Davis: I'll phone a friend.

Regis: Who do you wanna call?

Davis: The Mrs. Doubtfire wannabe.

Matt: Wha-how did you know?!

Davis: I dunno. I never knew YOU were the wannabe, I always thought it was Piedmon.

Piedmon: Hey!

Lady Piedmon: Don't worry, dear. You can destroy the Digidestined some other time.

Piedmon: Shut up, you old woman!

Myotismon: Umm. . .

Lady Myotismon: Quit saying "umm!" How 'bout we go to Transylvania and visit Dracula? I wanna make him jealous!

Myotismon: First, I have to take over the world!!! DemiDevimon! We must prepare for tomorrow night.

DemiDevimon: Gee boss, what're we gonna do tomorrow night?

Myotismon: The same thing we do every night, you (bleep)-ing (bleep) (bleep) (bleep)-ing wannabe! Try to take over the world!

Matt's Band: They're dinky, they're DemiDevimon and Myotis-

Myotismon: Shut up! Crimson Lightning!!

Lady Myotismon: Ugh! Look at all this Martha Stewart stuff! Now look! At Morticia Addams! I'm going to get her to paint our house!

Myotismon: Let's get out of here!

Piedmon: Fine!

Regis: Okay that was weird. Now, who ELSE do you wanna call?

Davis: Umm. . .Sora the Communist!

Sora: How did YOU know?! Oh well. (picks up cell phone) Hello, ABC Millionaire Studios, this is Sora speaking. . .

Davis: Umm. . .what was the question again?

Regis: Never mind! Let me just credit you with this million-dollar check! Go take Kari out for dinner! I mean-take Yolei out for dinner!

Davis: What?! Yolei?! I thought YOU were gonna take Yolei out.

Regis: Are you crazy?! Once this show's over, me, Kari, Tai, Sora, and Mr. & Mrs. K., are heading down to the dock.

Davis: Why? Are you going fishing?

Regis: Hell no. We're going on a cruise! On the Lusitania.

Davis: It sank.

Regis: I meant the Jubilee, or was it the Destiny? Oh well, never mind. Just go! Now for another Fastest Finger Question: Put these names in alphabetical order: Ronald, Romeo, Randy, Regis: Hey! Who put my name in there?!

Director: Some guy.

Regis: Okay, times up: And here's the order: Randy, Regis, Romeo, and finally Ronald. And let's see who got it right in the fastest time. . .Mimi Tachikawa! Oh no! She's the. . .stupid. . .girl who can't even tie her shoelaces! Damn! (host voice) Okay! Mimi will be back to play, right after this!

Director: Cut!

Gomamon: Hey Reege, more coffee?

Regis: I'll just get it myself.

(5 minutes later)

Regis: We're back! With Stephanie Girardi-I mean, Mimi Tachikawa. So, Mimi, you're from. . .HERE.

Mimi: Regis. . .can I have your autograph later?

Regis: Yeah, sure. I'll sign it on that TV Guide you have in your hand.

Mimi: Okay.

(Leonardo Di Caprio runs in. . .AGAIN!!!)

Leonardo Di Caprio: REGIS!!!

Regis: What now?! You want my final answer?! (writes "final answer" on a piece of paper) There! Now make like an egg and beat it! Okay, Mimi, do I have to explain your profile?

Mimi: No.

Regis: Okay! Let's play! For $100: What is the name of the character made famous by Rowan Atkinson on British TV? Mr. Bean, Mr. Cabbage, Mr. Cauliflower, Mr. Artichoke.

Mimi: I never was really interested in British television, but, I watched his movie. It's A: Mr. Bean.

Regis: You're absolutely right! $200: Who had a hit single in 1990 with "U Can't Touch This"? MC Screwdriver, MC Hammer, MC Chainsaw, MC Chisel.

Mimi: Umm. . .I saw the answer in an episode in the British version. Now if I can only remember! Oh what the heck?! I'll just go with MC Hammer, final answer.

Regis: Yep, it was MC Hammer! The British version was right! Of course, they're always right. For $300, here we go. Which ship features the title of a Gilbert and Sullivan operetta? HMS Pantaloon, HMS Pinafore, HMS Petticoat, HMS Titanic.

Mimi: ARGHH!!! What's up with weird questions like this?! The only answer that sounds appropriate is HMS Pinafore. So I'm going with it. Final answer.

Regis: HMS Pinafore, you're right!

Tai: Hey Regis! The ship leaves in ten minutes!

Regis: GOD! How long is this show?! Hey! We're ending this show now, k?

Producer: No can do.

Regis: Damn you! Find a replacement! I gotta go!

Producer: Potty?

Regis: Hell no! Mimi, you're the rollover contestant. We'll finish this tomorrow. Roll the credits! Our phone lines are open, so call our number to qualify as a contestant. Our phone lines open from 2 till 5. Only one call per person, per contest day. Remember to DIAL CAREFULLY. I'm outta here! From New York everybody, good night!!!

Tai: Sora, mom, dad, let's go!

Regis: Kari, let's go!

Kari: Okay.

Izzy: How well do YOU know Kari?

Regis: What?

Izzy: Nothing.

Regis: Let's go! Matt! Mimi! Davis! Cody! Yolei! TJ! Come on! You and your parents are all invited on the cruise! Now let's get to the dock!!!


(ship's horn blows)

Regis: ARGHH!!! They're leaving!!!!!!! No! Wait! STOP!!!!!

(Regis sees a guy who works at the dock)

Regis: Hey! Get that ship to come back!

Guy: Sorry, no can do.

Regis: But-b-b-but.

Guy: Look, once the Destiny's left, we can't order them to stop and come back unless it's an emergency.

Regis: There IS an emergency, you JERK! Some passengers have been LEFT BEHIND!!!!!

Guy: I can only suggest you try to contact them and hopefully they'll come back.

Regis: Good idea.


(phone rings)
Captain: Walmsley, get that, will you?

First Officer: Yes sir. Hello. . .

Regis: This. . .is. . .Regis. . .Philbin! You. . .have left me, and some other passengers. . .behind. I want you to come back!

First Officer: Uhhh, sure. Just wait for us. We'll be back in a while.

Regis: Okay. . .all we do now is wait.

Narrator: Will Regis and his friends ever get on the ship? Find out on the next-

Regis: Shaddup!!

Narrator: Fine. Regis spontaneously combusts!

Regis: What? AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

Narrator: Then end.

-So, what did you think of the second sequel? Still pretty screwed up?